


Jags Wants to Be Evil

by BarettaVendetta



Category: Men's Football RPF
Genre: Gen, Parody, eartha kitt - Freeform, this is your fault grand old team
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-12
Updated: 2018-12-12
Packaged: 2019-09-17 04:49:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 288
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16967982
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BarettaVendetta/pseuds/BarettaVendetta
Summary: A parody of 'I Want to Be Evil' by Eartha Kitt. The denizens of the Everton forum Grand Old Team are always complaining about how Phil Jagielka is too nice, so I wrote this in response, imagining what it would be like if Jags went bad...





	Jags Wants to Be Evil

I’m a nice boy from Manchester, my name is Phil

I’ve never shot smack and I’ve never done pills

My smile is brilliant, I’ve got a nice tan

But I’m noted most for being a nice man

No-one on Twitter’s seen pictures of my knob

I’m the kind of captain to whom fans say, “Bottle job.”

I’ve never been caught with a wrinkly old brass

And when Moyes was in charge, they called me a grass

 

Jellyfish Jagielka, they say I lack spine

I’m tired of being nice all the time

Like something that seeks its level

I want to go to the Devil!

 

I want to be evil and I want to spit

I want to be evil and tell Fulham they’re shit

I want to be wicked, I want to tell lies

I want to put laxatives in Ashley Williams’ pies

 

I want to wake up in the morning with that semen taste

And terrorise strikers with my resting bitch face

I want to be evil, I want to be mad

But more than that, I want to be bad

 

I want to be evil, make Harry Kane cry

By sticking my finger into his eye

I want to be nasty, I want to be cruel

I want to score a hat trick against Liverpool

 

I want to get in the referee’s personal space

And punch Jordan Henderson’s stupid horse face

 

I want to be evil, I want to start fights

Ten-man brawls in the tunnel on a Monday night

I want to be horrid, I want to do garys

I want to be harder than Big Gareth Barry

 

I want to be evil, little evil me

Just as mean and evil as I can be

**Author's Note:**

> 'Gary' - Scouse rhyming slang for Ecstasy tablets ('Gary Ablett' = 'tablet'). Funnily enough, it's an Everton reference; the late Gary Ablett was one of our players in the 1995 FA Cup Final.


End file.
